Like masturbation, oral sex is a topic that transcends gender.
Regardless of where we stand on the gender spectrum, most humans have an opinion about it.
While it’s hip to blame the patriarchy for everything including women’s failure to orgasm, doing so is reductive. Not only does it deny women agency, but it perpetuates the myth that women are duty-bound to submit and please men.
Making equality happen demands we approach human sexuality with fresh eyes and the above falls short. If equality is indeed what we’re after, we must make an effort to treat all humans the same from the get go, including men if we happen to be women.
In the context of a mutually respectful sexual interaction, much as one partner can enjoy performing oral sex, the other might not. No one should ever feel pressured to reciprocate or engage into sexual acts they aren’t comfortable with.
Regardless of what gender they identify with.
Sex isn’t a transaction and you don’t give to receive.
You give because you take pleasure in giving and in making your partner feel good. And your performing oral sex on them doesn’t entitle you to anything beyond their gratitude.
As a consenting adult, discussing boundaries — if you have any, not everyone does — should happen before getting naked with another human.
If you cannot communicate with your partner then you should keep your clothes on.
For both your sakes.
While a lot of sexual language is non-verbal, words can help keep frustration at bay.
Especially when you cannot intuit or infer what the other person wants based on their body language. For example, humans who have been abused often have difficulty reconciling sex with pleasure. As a result, they may not be forthcoming about preferences, in which case a little gentle hand-holding might not go amiss.
Awkwardness doesn’t necessarily mean sex is off, just that one needs to proceed with caution. Regardless of past abuse, your partner’s wellbeing should be as important as your own. If you’re only into it for what you personally can get out of it then it isn’t fair on the other person.
A human isn’t a sex toy.
Providing sexual services is a profession that caters to all tastes across the gender spectrum. So rather than subject another human to your every whim without any second thought for their enjoyment, go pay someone, please.
And act entitled all you like because whatever happens between you and a sex worker will be agreed upon from the start. This is the only instance in which sex is an actual transaction, a contract between two willing participants. And no, money doesn’t remove the mutual respect requirement.
If you find yourself unable to observe it then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with anyone other than your hand.
Never assume you know what another person’s likes and dislikes are if they haven’t told you.
Again, this is not a gender-specific issue but a human one.
Asking questions can be sexy if you do so with an open mind, curiosity, and humility. Because it always takes at least two humans to have intercourse so dialogue is as important as the shared willingness to make each other feel good.
Not all humans enjoy giving or receiving oral sex, and even those who do aren’t into it every time. Human sexuality is as nuanced and changeable as our moods, energy levels, and bodies are.
You might love giving oral but if your partner is a woman on her period, the parameters have changed and perhaps your enthusiasm has, too. You might love receiving oral but if you’re bloated from a big dinner and a little gassy, it may not be the smartest idea lest orgasm should cause your sphincter muscles to unclench. And release a pungent cloud of thanks in your partner’s face.
There is no mutually fulfilling sex without care and concern for the heart, body, and mind lying next to you.
If your partner doesn’t enjoy what you enjoy and it frustrates you then they’re not the partner for you.
But someone out there is, so go find them.
And have fun.
I’m a French-American writer, journalist, and editor living out of a suitcase in transit between North America and Europe. To continue the conversation, follow the bird. For email and everything else, deets in bio.